In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
