Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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