how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
