I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
