It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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