the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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