Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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