was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
