every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need to align my fucking chakras
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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