I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
