I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize