Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
