I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You left your phone here
Wait...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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