My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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