I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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