The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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