youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
