Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
