Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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