her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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