I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
