pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
