We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
