i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
