i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
