Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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