just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
