I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
