It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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