True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
