Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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