I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
