wakey wakey hands off snakey
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i now understand why vodka
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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