OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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