Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
