Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They have beer where we have blood.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
