I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
