Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
