Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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