Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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