I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize