Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize