Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
