So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my poor anus
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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