Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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