What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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