Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
