the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
