he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
