I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
