My girlfriend figured out who you are.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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