I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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