I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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