Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
