We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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