Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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