Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need water and some morals
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
