so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
