She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
